I'm Ready for Love...I Think
*Cue India Arie* I am reeeeeeady for loooooove…or at least I think am. I honestly could just be ready to get my screws tightened. I’m not quite sure. I’ve never dealt with this feeling before in my life. Sure, I’ve had a puppy love relationship or two back in the day (most ended badly), and I’ve certainly had my share of flings (only 62.55% satisfying), but I’ve never had a full “big girl” relationship. I’ve never considered putting up with somebody’s shit for more than one day. I’ve certainly never thought about being responsible to someone other than myself. However, recently, I’ve started to think differently. Maybe I do want those things.
Whereas before, I didn’t mind starfishing in bed by myself every night, I’ve found myself reaching out for something that’s not there. Before, coming home to an empty house and sitting on my couch in my underwear seemed like the most relaxing thing in the world. Now, it feels me with a sort of sadness and disappointment every time I have to cook another meal for one or drink an entire bottle of wine by myself. I’m honestly tired of calling my friends or my mother to vent about the shit my boss said or did to me at work that day. I want to come home and have someone physically take some of the weight off my shoulders through a nice booty rub or hand running through my scalp at the end of the long day. I want all of these things, and I can’t figure out why! I’ve started spending my evenings pondering questioning myself to find out where these emotions came from.
Do I think I’m ready for a relationship? Honestly, I gave up on relationships a long time ago. It’s a combination of self-esteem issues, bad past relationships, and seeing how some of my male friends act in their own relationships/marriages that helped me to arrive at this point. There was a point that I didn’t believe in love for myself, and I had settled myself to being a dog (NOT CAT) lady in my older years. However, I’ve done a lot of growing since my last relationship, and I’m starting to see myself as someone who is worthy of love. Furthermore, I think I have reached a mental and emotional maturity level that is necessary in any relationship.
On the flip side, I’ve seen how some of these men folk act in these streets, and I’ve seen how some of my male friends act in their own relationships and marriages. I ain’t here for the bullshit, and it’ seems like that's all there is. Furthermore, I don’t want to force myself into a relationship just for the sake of having a title or a warm body next to me at night. I don’t want to become a slave to my flesh and end up staying in a relationship if the man is terrible but the sex is great. I refuse to become another Listener Letter for Kid Fury and Crissle to destroy on The Read. Soo…
Do I just need a constant companion/booty call to call my own? These feelings could honestly just be a direct result of my hormones and the fact that it’s been a while since I’ve had sex. And when I say a while, I mean it’s been so long that the next time I have sex, my legs are going to open like a fresh Snapple. You know, that pop sounds it makes when you first open the bottle. Yup, that’ll be me. Anyway, am I just starved for physical affection? Could I just need to roll around in the hay with someone and get it out of my system? It doesn’t seem like a bad idea honestly. I call, they come over, we fulfill each other’s needs and we go our separate ways. Wham, bam, thank you ma’am. No drama, no complicated feelings, no my Smoked Gouda and Chipotle Turkey or drinking my Simply Orange Juice out of my refrigerator while I’m at work. Nothing. It could be so easy…in theory.
I’m at an odd place where I don’t know if I have the time, will, or capacity to devote myself to a full relationship, but I’m not sure that a “friends with benefits” situation will satisfy me either. It’s like I’m stuck between a proverbial rock and a hard place, and I’m not quite sure what to do. I do know that I’ll never figure it out, if I continue to debate it back and forth in my head instead of getting out and doing something about it. So, I’m going to go out, be social, and see what happens. It’s the only way I’ll ever know. I could end up in a great relationship with someone who completely gets me and who I want to trust OR I could find an amazing sex partner who makes me hear Silk songs in my head every time we bone OR I could just make a new friend who totally understands me and who doesn’t mind hearing about my day without any sort of physical expectation. I don’t know. We’ll see.