Dear Eve, I Might Be Going to Jail
I need your help. I’m currently sitting in First Class trying not to have a fucking meltdown, but I don’t think there’s enough of those little bottles of Vodka on this airplane. I’m a fucking trending topic on Twitter for God’s sake, and not even for a good reason. My world is crumbling down, and I’m pretty sure the feds are waiting with handcuffs on the airport tarmac. All I tried to do was provide the best future possible for my daughter. So what if I had to commit a little fraud to do it? All of my friends have done it, and I’m a good fucking person. I donated money to schools and shit. Since when did it become a crime to make your daughter happy? Everybody is just out to ruin me, and now my life is over. And my poor daughter; none of this is her fault. She didn’t know, I swear. Eve, I need help. My plane lands at LAX in 30 minutes. What should I do?
Aunt Becky Lynette
Dear Aunt Becky Lynette,
Are you there God? It’s me, RICO. Maya Angelou famously said, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” You clearly just let that shit fly right over your head, huh? Your daughter has been telling you since she was born that she doesn’t care about her ABCs or her 1-2-3s, so what made you think she was going to give a fuck about her SATs and her ACTs?Do you know how dumb your child has to be to not be accepted into one of these schools when she’s white AND rich? You have to be dumber than Hodor, but at least he was good for something. (Holding the damn door.) Your child on the other hand leaves much to be desired.
You enabled your child to a take a spot at a prestigious university from a well deserving student. You knew from the beginning that your daughter didn’t belong there otherwise you wouldn’t have gone to the lengths that you did to get her into that school. Not only did you have a grown ass man taking the test for your child, you were willing to lie about your child’s ethnicity, mental capacity, and physical abilities in an effort to secure a place for your child in a place that they clearly didn’t deserve to be. Did you even teach your child that crew was a sport and not just the name of a store at the mall before you dropped her off at school?
This whole situation just screams privilege. As someone who was asked, “did you know you were going to get into this school because you were black?” I refuse to have any sympathy for you, your family, your co-defendants, and any of your dumb ass children. Do you know how many minority mothers and fathers are currently sitting in jail because they lied about their address in an effort to get their child into a better public school? While you were photoshopping their heads onto the bodies of other athletes, did you consider the people that may have sacrificed everything to be in those schools? Families that had saved for years, students who studied relentlessly, and athletes who had put in countless hours in practice to get into those schools? No, you didn’t.
And fuck them kids. They knew what was up. There’s no way in blue hell they thought they got into those schools on their own merit. She knew that she wasn’t an athlete, and she certainly didn’t deserve that extra time to take that standardized test. I’m sure she doesn’t even know that “row” is also a verb. She knows how whiteness works; she’s been seeing it work in her favor for her entire life. She’s not innocent, and there’s nothing you can do to convince me otherwise. I’m going to smile with the knowledge and understanding that all of those rich white kids who acted like me and my minority peers didn’t deserve to be on a college campus clearly didn’t deserve to be there either. I’ve been told my entire life that I needed to be twice as good and work twice as hard to get what your children throw away with little remorse. Clearly that was a lie, and all I needed was for someone to grease the right palms.
In conclusion, sis, you are going to jail…PERIODT. I can’t wait until ya’ll start snitching on each other for plea deals. If you did all of that to get her in there, there’s no telling what you did to keep her there. Desperate Housewives, indeed.
PS: Why not just hire a fucking tutor?! If you can afford a $500k tutor, I’m sure you can afford a Sylvan learning class or at the very least, a Kaplan test book!
PPS: These kids were DUMB. All camps necessary DUMB. Dumb as a damn doorknob, only good for turning left or right. Dumb as a box of rocks; shake them up to make noise. My God, the stupidity.