Everybody Hates Chris...For Real Though
I’ve never watched “Married at First Sight.” The concept seems absolutely absurd to me. The entire show rests on me putting enough trust in a random group of people to pick my future spouse and not getting to meet said spouse until my wedding day. I can’t check the fucking vibes before I meet this man or run the Cat-fax before I meet him. No milking the cow before I buy it. No checking this man’s bedroom to see if he has a headboard and clean sheets on his bed. No meeting his parents to see if I can tolerate their bullshit for the rest of my life. It’s a hell no from me dawg. The thought of watching an hour of television where some random couple, that obviously has no chemistry, stumbles through a one-night stand that refuses to leave in the morning seems cringeworthy. The fact that this season is held in Atlanta was even more of a reason for me not to watch. As a fellow ATLien, I know allllllll about the type of men that can be found within I-285, and I’ve had enough of that for a lifetime. I was planning on blissfully ignoring this season, just like I’ve done all of the previous ones, until Dominque and Talia wouldn’t stop talking about Paige and Chris.
Photo courtesy of Lifetime
I really wished I had something nice about Chris. There’s so many things that’s wrong with this man, that I’m not even sure that I can cover all of it in this article. Suffice it to say, he’s just another example of a man thinking that he’s the crème de la crème when he’s really more like crème de la wheat. The narcissism literally bleeds through the television screen and pours onto the floor like water from the well in The Ring. I fully expect his little scrunched-up forehead ass to crawl through the television at some point like a little demon. As soon as I saw him at the end of the aisle, I knew that he was going to be on some bullshit. This man literally wore something that looked similar to a bedspread you would see at Burlington Factory to his wedding. Mike Lowery would NEVER. His tuxedo screamed “Kappa who couldn’t cut it on line, but they had to cross him anyway because he knew too much.” Yeah, he may dress like a Kappa, but it’s something off that makes you tilt your head to the side and wonder if he’s really one of da bruhs. Must be paper!
Chris said he wasn’t attracted to this?! Do you see this woman? She’s a bad bitch. 10/10. You are blessed that she’s giving you the time of day sir. Say thank you Lord! Photo courtesy of Bossip
The audacity of this Claymation-looking-negro-come-to-life started at the damn wedding when he told Paige’s bridesmaids that he’s not attracted to her. Now pause. I really wonder what Chris saw when he last looked in a mirror. I’m here to tell you, he didn’t see a Yahya Abdul-Mateen II or a Daniel Kaluuya. Hell, he didn’t see a Lakeith Stanfield with ashy arms and dirty fingernails. He should’ve seen a PJ in the fucking project, but I digress. The bridesmaids should have served hands right then and there. I don’t care if it’s the middle of a panny and you’re in the best that David’s Bridal had to offer on short notice. If my homegirl marries a man that calls her ugly on her wedding day, I’m dog walking that man at the damn reception while Kem’s “Share My Life” plays in the background. I don’t care. They had an obligation to Donkey Kong that man and they didn’t. That’s on them, and they’ll have to live with that.
For all of Chris’ ignorant comments about Paige not being his type, he still found her attractive enough to have unprotected sex with her on their wedding night. Can you smell the bullshit? When she attempted to seek clarity from his family and her other friends about the situation, he chastised her for exposing their private business to others. If that ain’t manipulation and control, I don’t know what is. We later found out that he told her that sex would make them feel “closer.” Just say you wanted some and move on. You don’t have to lie, Craig. If you were the type of man that you think you are, you wouldn’t need to lie to convince Paige to have sex with you. Real niggas have a gift for gab and that’s that on that.
I’m really trying not to use the n-word when describing this man, but I have no other words. He just ain’t shit. Even here, you can tell he’s getting frustrated that she’s not buying the bullshit that he’s telling her. God, he’s the worst. Photo courtesy of The Sun.
A few episodes later, we find out that Chris’ ex-fiancee is pregnant with his child. Instead of being a man and owning up to his shit, Paige had to literally pull this information out of this man like a dentist extracting a cavity from a scared patient. This man literally pulled her in the bathroom, cut on the sink AND the shower, and told her like he’s a gangster whose house is bugged by the FBI. What’s with all of the dramatics, queen?! Paige, to her credit, handled it like a woman and tried to reinforce her commitment to their marriage and her new, unexpected role as a stepmother. What did this fool say? Oh, now I find you attractive! That’s all it took? That and a little prayer? Listen, I know God works in mysterious ways, but I ain’t never seen God change how attracted you are to a person through the power of prayer in 20 minutes. Maybe I’m not saved enough. Who knows? Once again, stop fucking lying!
And then, THEN, just when Paige thought they had found a new normal, what does this asshole do? Tell her that he’s still in love with his ex. This is the point where I wanted to jump through the television and beat his ass. This woman just said that she’s willing to be a parent to a child that you’re having with another woman, and you tell her some shit like that? If you’re still in love with that woman, go be with her and stop wasting Paige’s time. However, I realize that as an asshole of limited physical prowess, you get off on playing these little mind games because they make you feel big and strong. If I was Paige, I would’ve immediately whooped his ass. I don’t care if there are producers, cameras, and lights in the damn room. It would’ve turned into Monday Night Raw in that bitch. No holds barred match. Believe that.
The moment where she considered beating his ass and probably should have…Photo courtesy of TV Shows Ace
And just when you thought he couldn’t do anything worse; this man decides to ask for a divorce. This man effectively broke her heart by saying that he refuses to even give their marriage a try, and instead of getting up and walking away, he whispers in her ear that his biggest fear is falling in love with her. Ya’ll. YA’LL. Do you understand me when I say that this man—who looks and dresses like the Black Leprechaun in Alabama—has no redeeming qualities? This man clearly has no sense of empathy. He doesn’t care about Paige’s feelings because if he did, he wouldn’t continue to emotionally and mentally manipulate her like this. He wouldn’t be planting false hope in her mind when it’s evident that she wants nothing more than to make this marriage work even if it’s to her own detriment.
I wouldn’t be surprised if that entrepreneur lifestyle isn’t going as good as he wants us to believe and he’s on this show for publicity. It would be totally Atlantan of him to do so. He’s so infuriating and full of shit, I don’t know how the psychologists and pastors in the matchmaking team missed it! It’s evident to me and others that he doesn’t care about Paige; she’s only a means to an end for him. Chris is only in this for Chris, and I’m sorry that Paige is collateral damage for his ego. I hope Paige knows that she didn’t deserve this. There’s nothing wrong with her. All of the blame resides with him because she really tried to commit to this relationship and he refused to meet her halfway unless it’s on his own terms. It’s all about him. I know how much this is testing Paige’s faith in God and in men. I’m worried that her self-esteem will be absolutely obliterated after this show, and she’ll need years of therapy to be back to where she once was. In all of this drama, I hope we keep her in our thoughts and prayers because she’s the one who has been hurt the most by all of this. She deserved and still deserves better.
P.S. I haven’t watched the latest episode yet, but I see that Chris is bringing in the ex-fiancee to meet with Paige. WHAT THE FUCK FOR?!?!?
