The Parable of Mr. Biggs
Remember when you were younger and you were at your Nana’s/Grandma’s/MeeMaw’s house, and she would tell you to get out of her face whenever her stories came on? She would make sure that you were either playing outside, down for a nap, or completely occupied so she could enjoy them in peace? I started thinking about those times yesterday, and I began to ponder about my own “stories.”
Sure, I have "Scandal," "How to Get Away with Shmurdah", "Empire," and "Power," and if I wanted to go back further, I could borrow from my great aunt and say "Passions" or "Days of Our Lives." However, if I really think about it, I had a set of stories way before that. I had the parable of Mr. Biggs. You remember Mr. Biggs, don’t you?
Just a few notes before we begin: 1) We won’t be talking about an integral character of the Mr. Biggs saga. His name is Robert, he’s a pedophile, a liar, and just an all around shitty person. Therefore, we will be replacing his character with a young man named, Daquan (in honor of the fictional trouble maker black boy created by Black Twitter about three years ago). 2) All three seasons of this saga are problematic as hell. I know this. I understand this. The fact that all three of them center around the idea of women as sex objects and the continued physical and verbal degradation of women in relationships is horrible. 3) I’m pretty sure that I didn’t know what any of these songs really meant when I was younger, and somehow, my mother allowed me to sing them all the damn time. 4) I can’t be friends with anyone who can’t quote the main dialogue from Season 3. That’s just facts.
Walk with me now.
Season 1: In 1995, Daquan released a song called “Down Low (Nobody Has to Know)". In the music video, Mr. Biggs aka Ronald Isley played a powerful “businessman” who hired Daquan as a bodyguard to watch and protect his girlfriend, Garcelle Beavauis aka Fancy. Clearly, they were in a loveless relationship, and Mr. Biggs saw Garcelle as nothing more than an arm piece, but Garcelle had to make the money, and not let it make her (Shoutout to the Player’s Club).
During the course of the video, Daquan did what fuckboys tend to do: ruin a woman's life. He preyed upon Garcelle’s weaknesses and lured her into the bed. Next thing you know, Mr. Biggs is busting into the hotel room and dragging them both out. He beats Daquan to a bloody pulp in the middle of a California desert and leaves him to die alone (A fabulous ending for a man such as Daquan if you ask me). Some kind of way, Daquan makes his way back to the hospital to find out that Garcelle has been beaten as well, and he rolls up to her bedside with a fake eyepatch on just as she dies. It's all your fault Daquan!!! THE DRAMA.
Season 2: In 1998, Kelly Price, with her original nose, released the song “Friend of Mine (Remix)”. In the video, Kelly is talking to her godfather about she caught her husband cheating with her best friend. TRIFLING! We watch as Kelly, with racoon eyes from runny mascara, talks about how she rescued her friend from a bad relationship, put groceries in her house, and added money to her metro card only for the friend to take her man on the Tom Joyner Fantastic Voyage cruise without her. As the song goes on, Kelly cries all over Mr. Bigg’s ad libs to the point where he wants to speak to the cheater himself. Now, this was right around the beginning of the invention of three way calling so this was a big deal. Kelly dials the phone number, and there begins a phone conversation that's only rivaled by Alicia Keys' stalking the man who orders the special with the hot chocolate.
Anyway, who’s the cheating bastard on the other end of the phone? Daquan! What's he doing? Telling lies, and he has the audacity to do it in silk baby pink pajamas! Daquan tries to play innocent, even though he’s clearly in bed with another woman (Side note: it's not even the best friend! This is a new woman!). He insists that he’s just talking and hanging out with this woman, not sleeping with her. However, Mr. Biggs ain’t here for the bullshit. He’s been around the block a time or two (“We both know the game!”). THE DRAMA. Mr. Bigg threatens Daquan, but he doesn’t connect the dots of who he is. Don’t worry. It’s coming though!
Season 3 (the best season in my opinion): In 2008, we learn the true meaning of there’s a stranger in my house, and somebody’s been sleeping in my bed! Mr. Biggs heads out on one of his infamous business trips in a powder blue suit and a three stretch limo entourage, and while he’s away, he can’t get in touch with his woman, played by the infamous Chante Moore. He called her mother’s house, she wasn’t there. He's getting worried. So what does he do? He goes back home, hears the bed squeaking, and goes upstairs to investigate. His woman is in bed with another man! What he saw was enough to drive a preacher wild! What is he going to do? Draw a saber from a hidden sheath in his cane and figure out what the hell is going on between the sheets in his home! Chante tries to explain, but Mr. Biggs doesn’t want to hear it! Meanwhile, Daquan doesn’t get up and run out like any sane person would do. Instead, he decides to try and talk to Mr. Biggs. HOW DUMB CAN YOU BE SIR?!
That’s when the dots connect for Mr. Biggs. It’s Daquan! Not only has Daquan slept with his woman again, but he’s done it in his own damn house. Daquan has to go. Chante is crying in the corner, and Daquan is trying to play dumb. “Nah, I think you're mistaking me for somebody else.” THE SUSPENSE YA’LL!! Chante tries to interject again and gets verbally smacked down in front of her boy toy, not once, but twice. As security enters the room, looking like a mix between extras from “Belly” and deacons from Mt. Sinai Baptist Church, Daquan and Chante leave the house in nothing more than a fur coat and a pair of boxers between them. THE DRAMA CONTINUES…