We're Making It To Black Panther
Two years ago, I decided that I had to do anything and everything to make it through 2018. I made sure that I always went to the doctor, dentist, optometrist, and gynecologist so I would be healthy enough to get here. I also made sure that I paid all of my bills on time, didn’t mix my clear and brown liquors, and didn’t drive more than 30 miles over the speed limit so I wouldn’t end up in jail. Additionally, I made every best attempt to stay away from fuckboys so that I wouldn’t be too busy cleaning up after him, changing the dirty diapers of some child that doesn’t belong to me, or turning tricks on the corner because he took all of my money. I’m serious. I took every precaution possible. Why did I do this? Let me give you all of my reasons:
"Captain America: Civil War"
"THE INCREDIBLES 2"
"A Wrinkle in Time"
"BLACK MOTHERF********** PANTHER!"
Need I say more? Sure, I have other things like my family, my job, and my bank account to live for, but the main reasons are listed above. Deal with it. I’ve been waiting for this year since the end of last year, and now that it’s finally here, I’m not letting anything stand in my way. And that includes the President of the United States who is currently threatening nuclear war with the Supreme Childish Dictator of North Korea, Kim Jong-un. I'm going, no matter what.
He’s been threatening to go to war with North Korea ever since he stepped into office in an effort to prove his manhood. Trump has been going on Twitter calling Kim Jong-un all of the things that he says to himself when he’s alone in his bathroom at Trump Tower. His button is bigger and redder than Kim Jong-un’s and he’ll push it if you keep testing him. Meanwhile, Kim (can I call you Kim?) is over in North Korea proving that when you stay ready, you don’t have to worry about getting ready. He always keeps one in the chamber and one in the clip. Honestly, it’s just nothing but two men staring at each other from across a field grabbing their crotches. Seriously.
Listen, the likelihood of us going from the relative hell we’ve been experiencing on a daily basis (aka peace) to a full blown nuclear war before the release of "Black Panther" is not high. Although North Korea says that they can reach all of the mainland US with one of their missiles, most experts can’t agree about whether or not it’s true. After recent reports that they may have accidentally hit one of their own damn cities with a missile, I would say that they simply don’t have the range. Furthermore, just because you can throw the damn ball doesn’t mean that you’re going to get it through the hoop. We all know that most men have trouble finding the button one time, let alone finding it every time precisely and accurately. I’m just saying.
However, this does not mean that a potential war with North Korea is off the table. With the lack of credible and knowledgeable diplomats at the State Department, I would say that some kind of skirmish with North Korea is imminent. Since North Korea has never really cared about the safety and well being of their own citizens, they will have no problem seizing an American or Japanese ship and putting the entire Asia-Pacific region on edge.* (I mean, this is the country whose previous leader told its citizens that he invented the hamburger in 2000 to alleviate hunger. They don’t love them hoes!). China will then be forced to put its foot down and seize control of the situation before it spirals completely; thereby, gaining the complete dominance that it has slowly been fighting the United States for since the early 2000's. And the United States will be forced to allow it happen. Why? Because China owns our asses financially, they have that military strategy hammer, and we honestly don’t want to meet them in these streets (aka the Asia-Pacific).
I say all of this to say, have no fear friends. We will make it to the premiere of "Black Panther" and "A Wrinkle in Time" so go ahead and start coordinating your outfits. You won’t be forced into fallout shelters before you get to see Oprah the goddess (literally) with thine own eyes. Now, whether or not we’ll make it to see who sits on the Iron Throne is an entirely different question.
*Seizing a warship is like poking the bear, knowing that it will piss him off but not make him bite your hand off. Everybody does it. It’s Kim's best option to push Trump into showing his ass and doing something stupid so North Korea will look like the victim at the UN.