Know Your Role and Shut Your Mouth Tyrese
Tyrese \tie-reese\: to literally write a check that your ass and/or bank account cannot cash. To talk yourself out of a job. To live in a state of perpetual delusion that will only lead into your ultimate demise while simultaneously making a fool of yourself. To use chicken grease as a lip balm.
There’s honestly no other way to say this, but Tyrese is talking his way out of his next paycheck. Since the Rock announced that he was developing a "Fast and Furious" spinoff movie featuring his character, Hobbs, and Jason Statham’s character, Shaw, Tyrese has showed off his best Oran Juice Juice “I saw you walking in the rain” skills.
I mean, he’s literally stalked the Rock across all forms of social media, and I’m sure he’s made the Rock want to throw his pager out the window and tell MCI to cut the phone calls. This man has whined and begged the Rock to NOT make this movie more than Lenny Williams begging his old lady to come back home.
Why doesn’t he want this movie made? He's saying that by doing so, the Rock is disrespecting the brotherhood and breaking up the family. He has been using social media to literally perform his own version of P!nk’s “Family Portrait” and I’m over it.
Reesey-poo, as an avid and die hard Fast and Furious fan, I can tell you that nobody feels like the Rock and Jason Statham are breaking up the family. It’s mostly because they haven’t been there from the beginning, and their characters can leave the universe without completely disrupting the flow. If Brian and Mia can disappear onto an island, why can't they?
Let's keep it 100. The fight scenes between Hobbs and Shaw were freaking amazing, and I’m all the way here for 90 minutes of uninterrupted sweatiness, bald heads, muscles, and pure “Good God, they’re so damn fine” in film format. Let’s not forget that you, Ty-ree ree, were added into the second film as a replacement for Vin Diesel, who didn’t want to do a second film.
Furthermore, you’re merely in the films as a comedic relief at this point. They spend half the movie roasting your character, Roman Pierce, in a way that's evident that they're talking about you, not your character. So please, keep the family and the brotherhood out your mouth. You’re like the annoying cousin that always comes to the family gatherings to talk about how successful your life is when everybody knows that your college degree is from DeVry, you’re leasing that BMW you drive, and your wife is only with you because your job at the bank aka the local check cashing place, gives you dental insurance. And speaking of money…
I wouldn’t be surprised if the Rock doesn’t negotiate to get Tyrese kicked off the rest of the franchise, which is scheduled to release two more movies. I mean, I’m pretty sure a judge would grant the Rock a restraining order against Tyrese given the way that he has harassed my poor Dwayne on social media. If I were Tyrese, I would shut up because he’s one Tweet away from going back to singing Coca-Cola commercials on the back of a bus. (I wonder if he still has that horrible under the lip piercing).
The only reason that Tyrese is showing out like this is because the release of this spin off will cause a delay in the next "Fast and Furious" movie, which means he won’t see his next paycheck until at least 2019. And since he can’t find a writer, director, producer, actor, actress, or stage hand for “Baby Boy 2,” he’s begun to leak desperation out of his pores like a naked Lena Dunham in front of any kind of audience. (Also, speaking of green lighting movies, Warner Brothers still isn’t returning his calls regarding his dream to play the next Green Lantern. I wonder why...)
Seriously, nothing with Tyrese should shock me anymore. After Paul Walker (RIP) passed away, and Tyrese went to the scene of the crash to take pictures of himself fake crying and holding ashes, I vowed to never trust him again. There was also the time that he said that he had a dream that he was supposed to play MLK in a movie so he slapped on a fake Steve Harvey lace front moustache and a black hat and proclaimed that it was his destiny to the world. Oh, and don’t forget the time he said that Black Rose was one of the greatest R&B Soul albums of all time as he used a homeless woman as a prop in his Instagram promotional video.
Now, he’s calling himself a Vision Implementor and he’s photoshopped himself on the cover of Forbes magazine as a part of that. (No, I didn't misspell Implementor, this is what Tyrese is, the fuckboy spelling that Tyrese is using so I shall use it too!)
Oh, I can’t believe that I forgot that he said that weave and cosmetic surgery are the reasons that some women are single. And for some reason, he thought he was a relationship expert so he wrote a book. Honestly, I could go on and on. The man just doesn’t know when to shut up.
The Rock is not going to take much more of this. I’m just waiting on the day that I come across a video of Tyrese going on about the Fast and Furious familia only to be interrupted by the Rock screaming “IT DOESN’T MATTER!” Tyrese really doesn’t want to see Rocky in these streets so he might want to chill out. He's literally writing a check that his ass (and his bank account) can't afford to cash, and if the Rock does decide to lay the smack down on his candy ass, I won’t be mad. I’d just send an edible arrangement.